Monday, January 18, 2010

The Imp of Perversity has been running wild!

I have detailed internal conversations and the two main characters in my head before.
Sometimes, I don't know what to tell you, sometimes the Editor takes a break and the Imp holds sway!

A couple weeks ago I was shopping with a girlfriend. As we left I checked for cars before crossing the roadway between rows of parked vehicles. I began to cross and a jacked-up pickup truck WAY down at the end of the lane began revving it's engine. I slowed to a pronounced saunter and the thought crossed my mind that it might be a friend being ornery, but then the truck roared up toward me and I realized, no, this was just an obnoxious redneck so I took my time strolling toward the parked cars. When I reached that relative safety I just to face the truck, smiled as widely as possible and waved.
The guy driving truck then floored it so hard his girlfriend/cousin/step-sister sitting in the middle seat probably slammed her head into his gun rack as he went flying through the parking lot. I guess he showed me!
But I got a giggle out of the experience, and that is all I ask.

at my mom's memorial service just over a week ago one of THOSE people approached.
He is loud, rude, obnoxious, offensive, laughs loudly at his own inappropriate jokes, and generally doesn't seem to notice everyone backing away from him. He has been a friend of my parents for nearly 30 years though, so what can you do?
He walked up while his son, daughter-in-law, and I were commiserating about 13 year old children. He attempted to pat my mid-section and asked if I was expecting number four or had just been enjoying the buffet. His son interupted, "Dad!" His daughter in law corrected, "She only HAS two kids!" and I flicked his hand away.
Then, without a pause for thought I said,
"I'm actually just fat, thanks so much for pointing that out.
Say anything else and I'm going to kick you in the 'nads."
He began to laughly excuse himself and I did a talk-to-the-hand, interupting him firmly,
"Uh, no, nuh uh..." as he tried to keep talking.
His wife walked over just then and told me I could feel free to stab him in the eye.
I explained to her that I was unclear on why he was even still alive, she knew where he been sleeping for the last 40 YEARS after all.
Into this Mr. Logo then walked and immediately realized something uncomfortable was afoot.
Once again the obnoxious creature began to try repeating his terribly witty remarks and I actually stepped forward, pulled my leg back, and I would have kicked him but he stepped back sharply, covered his mouth and wisely decided to go get more coffee.

He did call and ask me to forgive him two days later, explaining he was reprimanded for the whole three hour ride home because "some people just don't get my sense of humor."
Uh huh...


S said...

Oh man, that has happened to me a couple of times. Unlike you, I remained floored, hurt and speechless.
Two days later I figured out what I ought to have said to these very very large women.
Why no, I just have one child, she's over there...and what about you two? Twins or triplets for each of you?
Um if you can't fit into the bathroom stall perhaps you can sneak into the mens room and use the urinals since you both have such mega large balls.

I would have liked to have seen you complete that windup!

cathy said...

There should be a tax on stupid, it would solve all the government's budget problems and then some!

Nessa said...

I am so sorry to read of your mom's passing and that you had to put up with such a jerk at this time.

Kyahgirl said...

I'm proud of you for giving him a good metaphorical whack in the head. What a dickhead!

Jocelyn said...

You know, what I like best about this post is that there's something so raw and genuine and that you reacted as you actually should have and not just as we often do.

Say, can I send you a volume of poet Louis Jenkins? If so, will you message me on FB with your address?

lime said...


*blink blink*

i am so glad you were as blunt with him as you were. he needed to be blasted, berated, and beaten. what an ass.

stanglady said...

I can certainly relate. At my grandmother's GRAVESIDE no less,as I am simultaneously numb and insane with grief, her brother in law walked up to me and took my arm. "I am sorry," he said. "I didn't recognize you right away. You're so (hand gestures to indicate toothpick dimensions) skinny. Last time I saw you, you were so fat." The look on my face (after the large jaw dropped "o" of surprise) must have indicated the lecture that was about to come, complete with "I have a medical condition I didn't know about asshole" so he gave me a little school girl "oops" face and said, "Oh, I suppose that was rude." Ya think???!!! Really, is a funeral service, and especially a graveside, an appropriate place to discuss a person's weight? Frankly, would it EVER be appropriate to say "you were so fat?!" I guess my relative's money did not proper manners buy. I may be poor, but some people need things that cannot be a personality transplant.

Cooper said...

I'm just catching up. So sorry about your Mom.

I love when guys act like that. Makes me so proud of my gender....
that's it. I'm getting a sex change and going lesbian...