Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Brothers, sisters, have you heard of The Flying Spaghetti Monster?

As far as religions go, I think they have the corner on the market of cool names (Pastafarians) and I love
The Eight I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts.


I. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Act Like a Sanctimonious Holier-Than-Thou Ass When Describing My Noodly Goodness. If Some People Don't Believe In Me, That's Okay. Really, I'm Not That Vain. Besides, This Isn't About Them So Don't Change The Subject.

II. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Use My Existence As A Means To Oppress, Subjugate, Punish, Eviscerate, And/Or, You Know, Be Mean To Others. I Don't Require Sacrifices, And Purity Is For Drinking Water, Not People.

III. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Judge People For The Way They Look, Or How They Dress, Or The Way They Talk, Or, Well, Just Play Nice, Okay? Oh, And Get This In Your Thick Heads: Woman = Person. Man = Person. Samey - Samey. One Is Not Better Than The Other, Unless We're Talking About Fashion And I'm Sorry, But I Gave That To Women And Some Guys Who Know The Difference Between Teal and Fuchsia.

IV I'd Really Rather You Didn't Indulge In Conduct That Offends Yourself, Or Your Willing, Consenting Partner Of Legal Age AND Mental Maturity. As For Anyone Who Might Object, I Think The Expression Is Go Fuck Yourself, Unless They Find That Offensive In Which Case They Can Turn Off the TV For Once And Go For A Walk For A Change.

V I'd Really Rather You Didn't Challenge The Bigoted, Misogynist, Hateful Ideas Of Others On An Empty Stomach. Eat, Then Go After The Bastard.

VI I'd Really Rather You Didn't Build Multimillion-Dollar Churches/Temples/Mosques/Shrines To My Noodly Goodness When The Money Could Be Better Spent (Take Your Pick):
· Ending Poverty
· Curing Diseases
· Living In Peace, Loving With Passion, And Lowering The Cost Of Cable
I Might be a Complex-Carbohydrate Omniscient Being, But I Enjoy The Simple Things In Life. I Ought To Know. I AM the Creator.

VII I'd Really Rather You Didn't Go Around Telling People I Talk To You. You're Not That Interesting. Get Over Yourself. And I Told You To Love Your Fellow Man, Can't You Take A Hint?

VIII I'd Really Rather You Didn't Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You If You Are Into, Um, Stuff That Uses A Lot of Leather/Lubricant/Las Vegas. If the Other Person Is Into It, However (Pursuant To #4), Then Have At It, Take Pictures, And For The Love Of Mike, Wear a CONDOM! Honestly, It's A Piece of Rubber. If I Didn't Want It To Feel Good When You Did It I Would Have Added Spikes, Or something.

The Canadian band Barenaked Ladies, while performing at a bookstore on September 19th (TLAP day), took some time to Spread the Word of the FSM. They even signed a few copies of the Gospel. I wasn’t there, but I’m told that they were very concerned with Global Warming, and played a few pirate songs to do their part to lower the temperature. Clearly true Pastafarians. In fact, lead guitarist Ed Robertson posted on the band’s official blog: "This is so excellent. I am speechless. I’m a believer".
(from the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster website)
I ask you, is this not about the best religion you've EVER heard of??

25 comments:

Seamus said...

This is awesome!!! If there has to be one let it be like this! :)

Diesel said...

I hear there are already disagreements about whether the noodles, sauce, and meatballs are three distinct entities or simply different aspects of the Flying Spaghetti Monster's essence.

Can't we all just get along?

barefoot_mistress said...

Be afraid., be very afraid....

The meatballs...well, their placement and all...ok....I'll tell you in private what that image does to my fragile little eggshell brain!

Tan Lucy Pez said...

I have heard of The Flying Spaghetti Monster, but I never heard The Eight I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts. Awesome. Love, love, love it.

snavy said...

That thing is creepin' me out.

Pasta anyone??

word veri -- teaqng

barefoot_mistress said...

Eww it really is still here!

schnoodlepooh said...

I don't like to be religious, but if I was going to be, that church sounds like The Best One.

Doug said...

Can I covet? I like coveting.

cindra said...

How do we convert? I like converting.

neva said...

must we cower? i hate cowering.

Logo! i can't wait to show this site to my son, the "Recovered Catholic". he was thinking about becomming an Episcopalean, but this might persuade him to do otherwise. (too funny!)

The Grunt said...

I'm a linguinitarian myself.

lime said...

does the church baptize in marinara or alfredo sauce? sprinkling or immersion? i mean it's all good, i'm just curious....

Diesel said...

lime, didn't you hear of the betrayal of the Spaghetti Monster by alfredo sauce?

"I know it was you, Alfredo. You broke my heart."

Logophile said...

Seamus~ I especially like number 5, good stuff, eh?

Diesel~ But instead of Mecca you go to Parma and Reggio Emilia, Italy. You can't beat that!

Susie~ OK, picture Vishnu, maybe that will help.

Tan Lucy Pez~ Glad you like it, should they send some missionaries over? I understand you will let them sleep over.

Snavy~ Yummm, pasta. Oh wait, tea? Yes, tea, please.

Susie~ Don't whine, its unbecoming!

Schnoodlepooh~ I hear ya, sister!

Doug~ Covet at your own risk.

Cindra~ Just send me a check for $59.99, alternately, meet me for lunch and book shopping.

Neva~ Cowering is unnecessary, but grovel as you deem appropriate.

Grunt~ You don't fool me, you are one of those Macaroni worshippers.

Lime~ Those are excellent questions, should they send a missionary around to discuss those with you?

Logophile said...

Diesel~ Et Tu?

goldennib said...

I am a believer.

G said...

Well as long as I can remember pasta has been the lifeblood of my existance...

vera said...

i have been a follower of FSM for some time now!!!
Viva la Spaghettini!!!
/vera

Logophile said...

Nessa~ Bless you

G~ Clearly you are a fitting disciple. I do have long worshipped the pasta in its many forms, instinctively recognizing its divinity. That is my story and Im sticking to it.

Vera~ I might have known, you and the BNL, clearly ahead of the curve.


I am in Portland, Oregon confronting an existential crisis.
Cross your fingers, eh?

Melliferous Pants said...

I belong to the church of please and thank you.

LindzyPinzy said...

hehehe im getting a kick out of everybody's comments

Lily said...

psssst... mr. flying spaghetti monster! your balls are showing!

Candace said...

This is realy catching on. I'm starting to see like, a reference every week to the FSM.

How long until misguided sycophants begin to twist the noodly words of the FSM? How long?

I love the "I'd really rather you didn't"s :)

Anonymous said...

oh my gosh that was the funniest thing I have read in ages. Please tell us more!

vera said...

i love his noodly appendage...
\/3r4