Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Well, can you even believe the nerve!

Today, I thought I would share with you a cheeky letter I received.

Dear Ariella,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions so you are still in the way.
The dishes on the floor on the mat marked with paw prints contains your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it as your food and dish,
nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me down the length of it is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I will not buy anything bigger than a queen size bed. I am very sorry about this.
Do not think I will sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
I also know that sticking your tail straight out and having your tongue hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
Compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut,
it is not necessary to claw, whine, and try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.
I must exit through the same door I entered.
In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years.
Canine attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go sniff the other animals' butts.
I cannot stress this enough.
It would be such a simple change for you.
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door...

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Dog:
1. She lives here. You don't.
2. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
3. To you, it's an animal. To me, she is an adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
4. Dogs are better than kids anyway.
They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called,
never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink,
don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes,
don't need a gazillion dollars for college,
and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

In conclusion, we are doing our best to live peaceably with you, please try to work WITH us.

You see?
You see what i put up with?

winners for the Snavy Quiz were
Snav ( what a shock),
Cuteness_personified, and
Kelly, all tied at 100.
Well done!
The weekly trivia contained a question with two correct answers,
sorry, Chile and Liberia both recently elected their first female presidents.
Apologies to Lime and Weirsdo, and anyone else who got shafted there.
Even with spotting them the 10 points they rightfully SHOULD have,
have an idiot in the lead.

and this disturbs me,
running through the house is a small male child, this one,

and he keeps singing,

"Whatever Lola wants
Lola gets
And little man, little Lola wants you
Make up your mind to have
no regrets
Recline yourself, resign yourself, you're through
I always get what I aim for
And your heart'n soul
is what I came for
Whatever Lola wants
Lola gets,
off your coat
Don't you know you can't win?
You're no exception to the rule,
I'm irresistible, you fool, give in!"

He really ought to stop that.


Rio said...

Oh Ariella, we dogs have it rough, don't we? Personally, I can't even fit in our bathroom, but I try.
My owners don't even let me sleep on their bed. Hey,I can't help it if i'm 85 pounds!
And, now, there's even that darned Oaty sleeping on MY bed, so where am I gonna go now?

Ariella, let's run away together, we can be the next Doggy Thelma and Louise!
Love, Rio

Datingmaster, Jerusalem said...

come over and check out my pussy

Doug said...

Wow, a lotta laughs here today.

But, I bet "Lola" doesn't remind the thing of Anouk Aimee. Ah, me. I could have loved her.

Sar said...

Ariella, that Logo is really, really funny. She had me LOL. Make sure you keep her on her toes so she keeps us laughing. Deal?

bsoholic said...

Those rules are funny, but I'll let you in on a secret Ariella - there really is a secret exit from the bathroom. Don't stop trying to turn the knob and sticking your paw under it. You never know when they will escape!

snavy said...

LMAO at the letter! I'm sorry Ariella, you know I adore you but Logo does have many good points there.

FYI - I was not taking the quiz - I only wanted to see the questions you made! :P

And, yes, he really ought to stop that! Cute as he is - it is not right! LOL!!!

barefoot_mistress said...

and where did he learn THAT song, mom?

The Village Idiot said...

You are right, That song is disturbing..I would rather have the Spanish Inquisition any day of the week!

lime said...

well, i shall consider myself forewarned! great tune too

DaMasta said...

Oh!! Great letter!! I should write one for Chibby the rat. What a pain she's been lately. Chewin' crap and all. Atleast Ariella doesn't try to chew your eyelids when you sleep.

Tan Lucy Pez said...

Damn Yankees! One of the first plays I ever attended. Smart little man.

Clever letter.

weirsdo said...

Doesn't SPEAK CLEARLY? Now she's lying about you to the world. We all know that although her understanding may be at fault from time to time, your communication is crystalline.
Oh well, at least she's funny.

Anonymous said...

hey logo...thanks for dropping by my place and

Casper said...

Dear Ariella, I think that note you received was a bit snarky. If you decide to run away from your humans, please think of me.


schnoodlepooh said...

Hey Ariella, We get letters like that all the time. We just eat them. We totally 100% relate to the comments about the bed especially. Why don't humans understand that it's mandatory for any self respecting dog to sleep across the width of the bed, corner to corner as much as possible, and stretched out to your maximum comfort level, tail, nose, and tongue all extended.