Your horoscope, courtesy of Weird Al.

Your horoscope for today.


Aquarius -
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus.
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-a-Mole 17 hours a day.

Pisces-
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos... with the ebola virus.
You are the true lord of the dance, no matter what those idiots at work say.

Aries-
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon,
trade tooth brushes with an albino dwarf and give a hickey to Merle Streep.

Taurus-
You will never find true happiness, whatcha gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do alot of stuff, and then go back to sleep.

Gemini-
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence.
Your love life will run into trouble when your finance hurls a javelin through your chest.

Cancer-
The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud.
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test.

Leo-
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face,
eat a bucket of tuna flavored pudding and wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik.

Virgo-
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent...except for you.
Expect a big suprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick.

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you but let me give you my assurance that these forcasts and predictions are all based on solid scientific documented evidence that you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true. Let's see, where was I?

Libra-
A big promotion is just around the corner... for someone much more talented than you.
Laughter is the very best medicine- remember that when your appendix bursts next week.

Scorpio-
Get ready for an unexpected trip, when you fall screaming from an open window.
Work a little bit harder on improving your low self esteem, you stupid freak.

Saggitarius-
All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den.

Capricorn-
The stars say you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying.
If I were you I'd lock my doors and windows and never never leave my house again.

That's your horoscope for today.