Blogger is still not letting me load images, so Susie, you are going to have to just deal with it.
Here is an interesting and painless way to kill a couple seconds.
or a minute or two...whatever.
OK, and if any of you do not share the love of the late great Mitch Hedberg, get on board, dang it!
Mitch on the importance of paperwork:
I bought a doughnut from a store and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. Man, I'll just give you money, then you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it's at home, in the file... under D... for doughnut."
Mitch on clubs and laundry:
I was at a club and they had blacklights everywhere. A blacklight is a light that makes everyone look cool... except me, 'cause I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.
Mitch on plant care and payment plans:
There is a commercial on late-night TV for this thing you attach to a garden hose. It says, "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach!? That seems so very mean.
"I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach. I will throw water at you. Hopefully, they will invent a product before you shrivel and die. Think like a cactus!"
This product was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one fucking complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck, fucker. The last payment must be made in wampum!
Mitch on disease and political correctness:
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having.
"Dammit, Otto, you are an alcoholic."
"Dammit, Otto, you have Lupus."
One of those two doesn't sound right.