Monday, March 20, 2006

Monday, again, already?

Blogger is still not letting me load images, so Susie, you are going to have to just deal with it.
Here is an interesting and painless way to kill a couple seconds.
or a minute or two...whatever.

OK, and if any of you do not share the love of the late great Mitch Hedberg, get on board, dang it!

Mitch on the importance of paperwork:

I bought a doughnut from a store and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. Man, I'll just give you money, then you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it's at home, in the file... under D... for doughnut."

Mitch on clubs and laundry:
I was at a club and they had blacklights everywhere. A blacklight is a light that makes everyone look cool... except me, 'cause I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

Mitch on plant care and payment plans:
There is a commercial on late-night TV for this thing you attach to a garden hose. It says, "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach!? That seems so very mean.
"I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach. I will throw water at you. Hopefully, they will invent a product before you shrivel and die. Think like a cactus!"
This product was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one fucking complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck, fucker. The last payment must be made in wampum!

Mitch on disease and political correctness:
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having.
"Dammit, Otto, you are an alcoholic."
"Dammit, Otto, you have Lupus."
One of those two doesn't sound right.

16 comments:

Blue said...

Thank you - I seriously needed this.

Breazy said...

It is good to know that the right side of my brain is operating correctly ! hehe I remember when Mitch passed last year . He was very funny , I am still laughing over the donut reciept ! Have a good day ..:)

lime said...

ok, i got a fat right side of the brain, maybe it's why i lean when i walk. i dunno. as for mithc, the guy is a stitch. thanks for the morning giggle

weirsdo said...

That was pretty funny. Thanks.

The Village Idiot said...

I get receipts for all my donuts..I even had to return one...and ask for my money back once..

Crystal said...

Breazy...when mitched passed? and you laughed? not nice.

bsoholic said...

I loved Mitch!

barefoot_mistress said...

OK ROTF seriously hilarious!

I'm gonna go throw water at my plants now....

Seamus said...

Blogger pics were being a bitch huh? I found that if you keep sending 'em they will finally take!

Hey! HAPPY SPRING and SUNSHINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Doesn't get much better than thing in the northwet does it?

btw - we're back! - shhhhhhhhhhh

logo said...

AAAAAAAAH!!! Seamus XOXOXOXO
So glad to see you!!
AND the sun, joy overflowing!

Bluebolt~ so glad you enjoyed!

Breazy~ Good for you! My right brain could use some help evidently.

Lime~ I do so love me some Mitch.

Weirsdo~ watch that fourth payment!

Idiot~ You save all your espresso receipts too?

Crystal~ You silly girl :p

BS~ His delivery was so great, definitely too young, RIP.

Bare~ Got some wampum?

Minka said...

Never heard of Mitch before, but I always love to be introduced to new things, this time a great comedian it seems!

Minka said...

Uh, and I found teh man in teh coffee beans fairly quickly. Thank goodness my right brain is tsill working;) I was worried there for a while :)

logo said...

Minka~ Mitch was such a very funny man, glad to introduce you to him. I was not very fast finding the face, but I know some people do it really easily. Congrats, you are clearly a well balanced thinker.

puppytoes said...

d'oh! the detail was in actually looking at the whole picture (as opposed to just half of it)! my brain is fine, thank you very much (i often wonder what my brain would be like if i didn't have ADD...sigh)

by the by...glad to see i'm not the only one who went crazy over the weekend thanks to blogger's blogged up bloggery (misery loves company, apparently i do, too!)

happy spring!

(ps...that deletion was mine... thanks to my aforementioned ADD, i wrote a couple of non-sensical sentences... so i thought i'd try to make reading a bit easier on ya by filling in a few blanks! sorry about that)
4:33 PM

snavy said...

LOL!! Those are awesome!!! Ty for the fit of laughter!!!

DaMasta said...

OMG! I sooOOoo kinda knew Mitch. LOL.. He was a regular at a club here in Houston, and me and my friends would go see every show he did. The guy I was dating at the time worked at the hotel he used. We met him a couple of times there, and got free tix to his shows. Mitch rox!

Naturally, I've heard those quotes before, but they always make me LAUGH OUT LOUD. I love it!

Thanks, logo!