Friday, January 12, 2007

The horror of it all!

A relatively new blogging acquaintance has leveled an accusation against me, well, sorta.
On the one hand he is a self proclaimed dork, and therefore his claims must be carefully scutinized, on the other hand he is very amusing and that carries some weight with me.
Dorky Dad has accused mini-van drivers of having only two catagories;
insane freaks and total wimps.
I personally don't fit in either of those catagories. Driving in Europe for four years did cause my driving techniques to edge ever so slightly more toward the aggressive side of the scale but I am NOT an insane freak, although I am definitely not a total wimp either. However, I feel there is another group of drivers who should be watched carefully...pick up truck drivers, oh, and Hummer drivers who appear to be compensating for something. I don't care if Arnie (Hallowed be His name) did start that craze. He is Austrian after all, and he's managed to overcome that really well for the most part, but you have to expect a few errors in judgement. Some Hummer drivers don't seem to be completely crazed, but that is not true of them all.

Despite driving a, uh, ahem, car-of-small-van-like-proportions, I will admit I have observed the extremes of which Dorky Dad speaks. However, passing a pick-up truck while, of course, operating my own vehicle in a safe and non-belligerent manner, whether this be in a multi-lane situation in town or on the freeway, brings to light an interesting tendency in pick-up drivers, especially male ones.
They look over and realize they are being passed by a MINI-VAN, oh the horror, and suddenly their manhood is in question. They will immediately quit fondling their radio, their cell phone, their rifle, or their cousin, and stomp on the accelerator, suddenly focusing on driving as if you just issued them a formal challenge and they are competing for a legends of Nascar commemorative plate set.
If a minivan driver happens to be cruising down the center lane (using cruise control set at approximately 5 or so miles over the speed limit) and one of these jokers is in the left lane barely doing the speed limit here are some things to watch for which may indicate you are dealing with a live one;
roll bars,
@$$hole lights (those spotlight things on the roll bar),
rifle rack in rear window,
tires larger than some city-states in Europe,
visible shocks (let's face it, if you can see the shocks on any vehicle, it is probable that the owner is just as jacked up),
whip antenna,
mudflaps with naked chicks, mudflaps with Elmer Fudd or...(ok, lets be honest here, if the you have anything but an 18 wheeler that requires mudflaps, something's just not right),
an NRA bumper sticker (or the presence of more than one bumper sticker of any kind).

If such a driver catches sight of you passing him expect it to be taken as a personal affront.

If by some chance this occurs in a city setting I suggest you take advantage of the next stop light to smile in a friendly manner. If he seems to be expressing unhappiness perhaps you should reassure him that you have only kind intentions by blowing little kisses as you accelerate away from him when the light changes.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Aren't mini-van drivers in transition phase? Neither car nor truck, so they Jekyl & Hyde between being normal drivers and insane? :)

Anonymous said...

I like when aggressive drivers get caught at a stoplight and I, still doing the speed limit, catch up to them just in time to sail past as the light changes to green... heh heh.

lime said...

i can attest to the veractiy of your assertions....living on the east coast i woudl also add NY/NJ drivers of high end vehicles to your list....BMWs, lexus, mercedes...if they have one of those 'foreign plates' they are going to get quite pissy about their ownership of the local roads even though 10 to 1 they don't know where the hell they are going when they cross over into my state.

Breazy said...

It doesn't matter what you drive to be an insane freak or total wimp and if you make a person mad enough you can change them from an insane freak to a wimp just go ask that guy in the small pick-up that just about clipped my front bumper at the beach last year while passing me. I slowed him down because this mama came up out of the mini-van on his @$$ at a red light. My kids were with me and he could have killed us. By the time I got done blistering his ears he was feeling quite ashamed of himself and he was being a wimp , he didn't even take up for his pitiful self . He did slow down and watch where he was changing lanes after that though!

Anonymous said...

Now there are TWO people whom I highly respect that drive mini-vans. Oh well...

The Grunt said...

Hey! I have visible shocks. Hey! I guess I have been pretty jacked up, lately.

Anonymous said...

I want a mini van and I was wondering if that makes me a dork or a wimp?

S said...

Nooo nooo mini vansssss ever!!!!

Anonymous said...

At witty verbage you excell
could it be, you drive like hell?
the legend of logo
Mighty of pen,
but Lord beware of her minivan

Stephanie said...

i'm insane but i am no freak so i think i'm very insulted

Jacob said...

To keep your minivan from passing me, I would put down my rifle and cell phone and quit fiddling with the radio. But I would NEVER stop fondling my cousin. Now good day, Madam!